After the radiotherapy I was tired for quite a few months. I'd do the school run, come home and sleep most of the day til it was pick up time.
It took quite a long time to get my stamina back, maybe a year. But now I am teaching piano 4 days a week and have been learning Japanese for 2 and a half years. And guess what? My hair is halfway down my back (and been dyed all colours of the rainbow!) And I have been back with Luke for nearly 2 years.
About 6 months after radiotherapy finished I had my tissue expander and port changed to a permanent implant. I was only in hospital a couple of days, but unfortunately more bad experiences of rude nurses. I told them it was not going to go well giving me a blood test and I'd rather they didn't. And when I passed out and they had a whole team round me, putting an oxygen mask on me, I bet they wished they'd listened.
Then about 5 months ago I had the first of 2 operations taking fat from my thighs and putting it in my breast to try and smooth the wrinkled skin where it has contracted. More nurses pushing me to leave barely hours after the op and leaving me to stagger out of the ward not even offering a wheelchair. I was still heavily under the influence of the drugs I'd had. What is happening to the so-called caring profession!
I have not heard from oncology for years and am approaching the end of my tamoxifen meds so I guess I'll have to get in touch with them. After the first year my periods returned so I have been on monthly injections in my thighs since. They sting a bit and make my leg ache but I actually don't mind them too much. They stop my ovaries working so I am now in the menopause and luckily the mild symptoms of hot flushes have passed and don't bother me any more.
The last step in my journey is acceptance of my body as it is now. I still feel ashamed of it and embarrassed and I am struggling to know how to deal with this. I did more charity fund raising by doing a cancer survivors body painting photography shoot. It was nerve wracking getting naked in front of everybody but once I had a dragon painted across my body and breast I felt covered. At one point we ran giggling in to the chapel across the corridor from the church hall where we'd been painted, and posed on the altar for photos wearing just our knickers.
I seem to have become more and more self conscious since then however and still don't really look at my body at all. Councilling failed after a few sessions and then I went into ignore it and don't deal with it mode which has continued for these last few years. But I am now starting to get regularly upset about my body so I think now it has to be addressed and dealt with.
So how am I going to do this? Big question.
Self love of who I am, my body shows my story. May you read it there and know my trials.
Self acceptance of what has happened to me and my inability to change it, life has given me this lesson to make me a strong warrior. I fought. I conquered.
And finally and most importantly I do not need to feel ashamed. I won my battle. It was an epic and painful battle but I fought as valiantly as I could and I survived. Some friends I met along the way didn't.
I vow to wear my battle scars with Pride. Little Blue Dragon transforms into Dragon Warrior and rules the world.
