Part 11

Ok, well let's start on the few positives before I go spiraling down into the depths (which won't take very long). So there have been some improvements in the last two months. My PICC line is finally out (I think there will be a small scar, it is very purple still). It was in for about three weeks after my op in the end. I didn't even notice when they took it out as I was looking the other way and mid-conversation. My arm has an almost normal range of movement now after painful daily exercises to stretch all the tendons out, and the bruising has faded and the tenderness gone from my ribs. And I have a full head of very short hair. Ok that is it I'm afraid. The scars are very pink and ugly. I still try to avoid looking at my body. I can't quite put into words the disgust I feel for myself at the moment. I'm feeling pretty low. Somehow I have to get through all the jolities of Xmas and New Year and the cold, depressive winter of loneliness after my brief month of happiness. This whole year seems like one horrible dream. I want to wake up.

It's been about two and a half months since my op. I went back to ballet after five weeks and couldn't keep the smile off my face afterwards. It was so nice to manage more or less a whole class, though the strength and suppleness have gone from my legs, a few months hard work and I will get it back. See, underneath I am a determined young lady!

I'm still in a bit of pain but it is getting easier. My arm doesn't feel quite so much like it has a friction burn running down the back of it, and to the well-meaning people who reach out to squeeze it I no longer have to hide my wince of pain. There will always be a numb patch and I don't know if I will ever get any feeling back in my breast. I always have to be careful of lymphodema (swelling of my arm) and not lift heavy things or massage it with creams, but I guess that will become more automatic as time goes on. They have fully expanded my implant over four sessions and it is now solid, immovable, tight, but a 'c' cup. Each time they did it meant a weekend or more of extreme pain doped up to the eyeballs on every painkiller I had. And I have a lot!

I have finally started on the Tamoxifen after a horrid afternoon going back and forth between the oncologist and the hospital pharmacy trying to find an alternative without lactose in and failing, followed by a painful injection in my tummy that bruised for three weeks that I was meant to have once a month! I'd not slept for more than a few hours each night for three weeks and I broke down in tears at that point. Severe lack of sleep causes such depredation of the mind I wasn't able to cope with anything. The doctor prescribed me sleeping pills and diazepam which sometimes helped and sometimes didn't. Still it gave me a bit of much needed sleep.

Feeling a bit more normal after that, my brain actually began to function again and it dawned on me that there was possibly a liquid form of Tamoxifen without lactose. A bit of research on the internet, a phone call to the doctor and a week for the pharmacy to order it in and I finally had a bottle that would last two weeks. The repeat prescription process was almost disastrous as the doctors didn't hand over the prescription to the pharmacy, so when I popped in after ten days at almost running out point, they didn't even know anything about it. There were frantic phone calls and panic. But the pharmacy were brilliant and sorted it out within two days and I now have a massive carrier bag of eight bottles to see me through four months of my five years.

I haven't noticed any side effects of being menopausal but I have been rather emotional. This is probably mostly due to a certain person who is again no longer in my life. And this time I hope he is out of it permanently. I may have lost my best friend and lover all over again but I can't keep dealing with all the emotional upheaval. It is so very painful though. I had bought some beautiful bras and felt sexy again, snuggly movies, held hands, dinner cooked, long nights and lazy days of intimacy. Now to deal with the hurt all over again, block out the memories.

I have done two weeks of my radiotherapy, one more to go. It is pretty tiring, I'm struggling with one school run let alone two. The kids' Dad now takes them in the mornings so I have enough energy to cook in the evening. The journey to Brighton every day and trying to park and the waiting in the waiting room full of old men and ladies with short or little hair like me is depressing. Yes there are a lot of depressing things in my life at this time. I'm finding it hard to see the happy things because all I want is underneath it all to look normal again.

Radiotherapy. It's all a bit Doctor Who-ish! Green lazers, weird machines. I have to lie very still while they call out numbers and get me into position and then they leave the room. 4 high pitch blasts later (the 2 longer ones being about 20 seconds) they come back, I get dressed and go. It all takes about ten minutes if that. I can't wash using soap or shave my armpits and I have to use a specific moisturiser every day. My skin may look a bit sunburnt by the end but the coconut oil (well I'm not using the E45 or aqueous cream they recommend) seems to be keeping it fairly at bay at the moment. Fabulous stuff.

And finally, now I have got fed up of my wig after 8 months, I can look back on photos of me during chemo and share them with you. I can't believe I looked like that. I still can't believe I look like this now. I just want my hair to grow as quickly as possible. Maybe then I will feel more like a normal person and not one who has had cancer.

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Reading this back at the end of today, I sound very negative. I've had a serious talking to from JJ & Mary. It's really hard at the moment but I am going to make a concerted effort to learn to love myself as I am. It starts now. I can't go on hating myself and wishing I looked different. Life has dealt me this hand and yes its shit, but hey I'm alive and I have a lot to live for. I'm going to have short pixie hair and visible scars for a while but actually it's not forever. "Can you not see that you are still beautiful". Okay I'll say it everyday til I believe it deep down.

Loki