So my mad friend Emily
says she’s going to shave her head. I can't for the life of me work
out why anyone would want to do that, but it's all for a good cause. I
think she’s very brave. I wouldn’t do it. Except I will have to
at some point. Just as my hair starts to fall out.£695 raised so far
I couldn't work out how
I hadn't found it before. A large lump in my left breast, just above
the nipple. A wave of fear washed over me. I knew I had to make an
appointment with the GP as soon as possible. I phoned up at the end
of the week and got one first thing Monday. There were some positive
things like the fact that I had breast fed my three children for a total
of five years, and that the lump was sore, but the doctor also said
it was “quite big” which was slightly alarming. She made a
referral to the hospital and said I would have an appointment within
two weeks. It seemed a long time to wait.
A letter finally came asking me to phone them and arrange one. The next available one was over two weeks away. Thankfully they rang the following week and asked me to come in the next day. This short notice became a bit of a pattern. A logistical nightmare when you are a single mum of three kids and no car. But each time I felt it was better to push things along as quickly as possible.
A letter finally came asking me to phone them and arrange one. The next available one was over two weeks away. Thankfully they rang the following week and asked me to come in the next day. This short notice became a bit of a pattern. A logistical nightmare when you are a single mum of three kids and no car. But each time I felt it was better to push things along as quickly as possible.
I waited an hour for a
mammogram. It was a bit uncomfortable but nothing major. You stand in
front of a big machine and they squash your breast between two plates
and take an x-ray of it. They do that from the side and the top on
both sides. Then it was another hour wait to see the doctor and
discuss the results.
I went into the room
quite calmly thinking they would just say it was a cyst and then I'd
be out of there. But the doctors first words were, “We're quite
concerned with your mammogram”. Oh. I couldn't really speak. Just
nodded. She started explaining about calcification of which there was
a lot of and then asked me to undress for an examination. She took an
ultrasound of the lump and that's when she discovered the lump under
my arm too. At that point, lots of doctors and nurses started coming
in. There was about six of them in all buzzing about the room, each
one staring at the screen and offering opinions. I was shivering from
the cold and was numb with shock. All I could do was stare straight
ahead, not seeing, and nod my head in reply when they asked if I
understood them.
They gave me a local
anaesthetic and started prodding me with a needle but I could still
feel it a little so they gave me a bit more. Then they took 2
biopsies from the lump on my breast. It didn't hurt. I just heard a
click. They also took some cells from the one under my arm. They
couldn't give me any pain relief for that one. I tried to breathe
deeply but I did let out a gasp of pain a couple of times. I was
padded up with dressing, told I couldn’t go kickboxing that evening
or roller-skating the following day and sent off with the repeated
sentence – it does look serious. The nurse made me an appointment
for 15 days time to come back in for the results. That's a long time
to wait to find out if you have cancer, but I knew almost certainly
that I had.
The shock lasted about
five days and in that time my so called best friend buggered off because he couldn't handle it. I immediately started on a raw food diet, reading everything
I could about which foods to eat and which to avoid. Sugar is the
worst apparently. Cancer loves sugar. Also no fats except flaxseed
oil, no vinegar except apple cider vinegar, no salt except sea salt,
no white processed bread, pasta or rice, no dairy, no meat (no big
deal as I'm pretty much vegan being a lactose intolerant vegetarian!)
but lots of wheatgrass, garlic, onions, carrots, lemons, green tea
and as much raw fruit and veg as possible. Luckily I'm quite strong
willed and am not finding it too hard. You are allowed one cooked
meal a day or to incorporate a small amount of cooked food with raw. I'm eating a lot of salads and drinking fresh juices and smoothies.
I felt very drained and
tired from the stress. I had no energy at times to do anything. I
spent whole days in bed, and then watched animé cartoons at 1am to
get to sleep. I was so sore I couldn't move my arm so I couldn't skate or dance or go to muay thai.
Then life returned to
normal and I got on with things and started to tell people one by
one. That was hard and emotional, sometimes I would cry, sometimes
they would. I told my parents on the phone, got them to put me on
speaker phone. My mum was rather blunt and told me to get a bobble
hat. That was upsetting. I couldn’t hear my dad but he's the
emotional one so I think he probably cried. Relationships between my
parents are rather strained sometimes and although they will do
anything to help, having the kids and giving me lifts, they do try to
take over and tell me exactly what to do. I have to be very strong and stand my ground not to
get caught up in their well-meaning torrent of “helpfulness”.
I felt like I wanted to live my life suddenly. Do things I hadn't done yet. I went on my first motorbike
ride on the back of a 650cc Suzuki, gorgeous sunny day round the countryside and then 120 mph back along the A27. I had a big grin on my face for the next few days from the adrenaline. It felt like I came to terms with things, dealing with death and life. Life is an awfully big adventure and I really really want to live it!
I started not being
able to sleep again a couple of days before my results appointment.
Michele came with me and she was definitely the best person ever to
have by my side. You could tell by the scared look on their faces as
we walked into the room that they were not looking forward to what
they had to tell me, but I had been prepared and I calmly nodded when
they told me the results of the biopsy were positive. I think they were
a bit taken aback at how calm I was. I had done my research
on the internet and talked to someone who had gone through it two
years ago which helped to give me a more positive outlook on the
future.
Treatment was
discussed, and as expected they told me I would need a mastectomy,
chemotherapy and radiotherapy. The shocks were, that there would be
no immediate reconstruction due to the risk of infection delaying
chemo, and also that they would take all the skin from my breast,
effectively cutting the whole lot out and sewing up the sides,
meaning I would loose my nipple. I was not prepared for that one.
That's when I cried a little. Being single, how would I be able to
meet someone else and form a loving relationship looking like that. I
wanted another baby too. All that was dashed full force to the ground
and trodden in by a big boot, spat upon for full measure. That's how
I felt anyway. Later they showed me a picture. A completely flat
chest on one side with a big scar right across. It looks unbalanced
with the other side. And no nipple is a very strange thing to get
your head around. People tell me “Oh but you are pretty, you will meet someone who
will look past that”, but I am convinced that will not be the case.
How could I brave showing anyone anyway in the first place when even I think it's
ugly.
There was a lot of
information to take in that day and I went away with a big carrier
bag of leaflets. Michele drove me back to Shoreham and we went for a pub lunch and did a bit of shopping. I started to feel
strange, like I was losing touch with reality, going into a little
bubble as the shock set in again. I had to carry on with the routine
of picking the kids up and taking them to karate and dance, even
though that was the last thing I wanted. I felt I couldn’t cope
with it but I had no choice but to. Then after they'd gone to bed I
totally lost the plot and sobbed and sobbed. JJ came to the rescue,
staying with me until 1am when I fell asleep. I woke the next day
feeling extremely low still. My mate Nathan came round and cooked us both some
food and we chilled out all day. He said he wanted to be there for
me. It restored my faith in men a bit. I said “But I will look
awful”. He said it wasn’t my problem how other people dealt with
it. It's up to them to get over it. It seems that most of the men I
know have trouble dealing with this. All the women have been really
strong and positive and full of support.
I posted it on facebook
as it seemed an easier way of dealing with it. I wouldn’t have to
go round telling everyone individually and people would know not to
ask me once I started wearing a wig or scarf. I could deal with the
interactions while I was still well and still all me. I feel no
different. A bit of soreness in my breast and a bit tired sometimes.
Some days it feels like a bad dream from which I could wake up and it
would all be gone. Sometimes all that goes round in my head is “I've
got cancer, I've got cancer...” over and over and over and over
again.
I am 36 years old
and today i was officially diagnosed with breast cancer (although I
have known for 16 days now). I am still processing all the things I
will have to go through over the next year. The consequences for me
are immense. I dont want sympathy just understanding and support from
the people who care. No comments or pm's pls. Women do 1 thing - go
check your breasts! regularly. If I can help save 1 life by posting
this then that is good. Breast cancer now affects 1 in 8 women. You
are never too young.
Needless to say, the
comments, private messages and texts flooded in. I’m still amazed
at the offers of support from everyone, even old friends I haven’t
seen for years! It makes me realise the kindness of human nature and
I am quite flabbergasted that they think so much of me to help out
when I will hardly be able to repay the favours.
Telling Maia was easier
than I thought. Kids seem to know when something's up. She came into my room one night all upset wanting a hug. She asked what was wrong with me so I told her all about what was going to happen to me. We had a few tears, but then we had a laugh at silly things too like what sort of wig I could get. The boys are too young to understand properly but I will have to explain what the special medicine will do to me soon.
OK now scroll back up and donate to my friend Emily's amazing effort at not only supporting me so I don't feel so bad with no hair but to raise money for such an important charity.
They phoned me at
8.30am on my daughter's birthday to come into hospital. I was there
for three hours after meeting with the oncologist to discuss a change
of treatment plan and another examination, height and weight taken,
152cm, 6st 9lbs. I seem to have lost a few pounds funnily enough!
Then it was upstairs to have an ECG, then back downstairs to have
blood tests, then back to the breast clinic to make five further
appointments in the next ten days - a bone scan (where they will
inject me with radioactivity!), a CT scan of my brain, a heart
ultrasound, a GP appointment, and another meeting with the nurses to
discuss chemotherapy.
It will be aggressive
chemo with three drugs simultaneously for the first nine weeks and
then just a single one for the next nine weeks, then six weeks of
radiotherapy and then several operations and then five years minimum
of hormone therapy where they make my body go into the menopause but
I can't take HRT to relieve any symptoms. Sounds a bundle of laughs!
So I won't have my long
blue hair for much longer, but I guess the sooner it starts, the
sooner it ends, the sooner it starts to grow back. Bring it on - I'm
ready! Well I will be once I sort out lifts and childcare! I feel so incredibly lucky to have
so many amazing friends to look after and support me and my children. Thank you all so very much.
OK now scroll back up and donate to my friend Emily's amazing effort at not only supporting me so I don't feel so bad with no hair but to raise money for such an important charity.
