This week I will be
mostly lying in bed in an attempt to avoid the pain in my legs
getting too bad. This means planning a list of things to do all at
once to avoid unnecessary walking, e.g. if I need lunch what else can
I get too? In the meantime I'm watching cartoons, sewing, reading,
making braids for my wig, chatting on facebook... I don't want to
take too much Tramadol if I can help it. I hate feeling out of it. No
kids this week though (they're on holiday with their Dad) so I can
take it anytime I need to without having to worry about being able to
look after them.
I thought I'd feel more
ecstatic from my last chemo yesterday. I feel relieved, yes, but
apprehensive about the side effects this week, not being able to
sleep properly, the jittery feeling and restlessness from the
steroids, the pain in my legs and the horrid taste in my mouth that
makes all food taste sour. Still its only for a week or so. And I
have rosy cheeks from the steroids which makes me look well. I think
I have just got to the point where I am fed up of all this. Four and
a half months of chemo, a month of tests before that, three months
more with the first operation and probable radiotherapy. That's nine
long months. It's like having a baby but it's your own life on the
line and not a little baby inside you.
I'm fed up of having to
wear a wig or scarf all the time, although some of my body hair and
hair on my head is starting to grow but very finely so it scarcely
makes much difference at the moment. Still, its a start! And I did
manage to keep my eyebrows and upper eyelashes. The bottom ones have
mostly fallen out but with a few long ones left in the middle and
careful use of thick black eyeliner you can hardly notice. It makes
me look pretty much 'normal' with my wig on (even with blue hair!). The
only give away that I have been ill is the bandage on my arm. Even
then it's hidden if it's cooler and I'm wearing a cardigan. If I
pretend there's nothing wrong with me then I feel healthy and its all
just a mild inconvenience. I can get on with my life in a more
relaxed fashion than I was used to, but maybe my body was telling me
I needed to slow down. Ballet, tap, kickboxing, 3 nights skating a
week, 3 kids to run around after, 6 miles in school runs a day...
something had to give. I will definitely slow down after this. Someone please remind me if I start going overboard again!!
At least I won't have
to sit in that horrible enclosed room with bright artificial light
and no view out the tiny high up window, sitting opposite lots of
people connected up to drips and staring into space or sleeping. It
got quite depressing the last few times. It was sad to say goodbye to
the lovely nurses though. I gave a few of them a hug. Special mention
to Jo who I hope I'll see again at the dance festival next year. Her
daughter and my daughter performed this year but sadly I missed being able
to go and watch them perform.
So I've had what feels
almost like a guardian angel save me from the depths of my worry
about the forthcoming operation on 25th September. Two
weeks ago a lovely lady doctor came to my house to sort out some pain
relief for me. I was worried about not being able to have much pain
relief after the op seeing as I've thrown up on codeine and morphine,
but she pointed out that they should have given me anti-sickness
drugs. She prescribed Codeine Phosphate & Cyclidine & I was
fine on them. This greatly relieved my feelings about the operation
along with the fact that after an appointment with the surgeon, my op will be much less severe. My
tumour has pretty much shrunk to nothing – I CANNOT FEEL IT AT ALL
NOW! This from starting off at 5 x 4 x 3 cm approx. Thank goodness for the change in treatment plan at the
beginning! My hair will grow back sooner and I will only have a
little scar where my nipple would have been compared to the massive
scar from underarm to centre chest and a further op which would have
made three in total. I'm going to get a nice flower tattoo later on in place of my
nipple. Similar idea to this picture but maybe a hibiscus flower.
Six months after
radiotherapy has finished they will give me a permanent
reconstruction on both sides so they match. The most difficult
decision? B cup or C! (Have to bear in mind the dancing). So I get to
take Fyhren to school for his first two weeks, get my birthday party
& clubbing bash out the way, relax on my birthday and go in the
day after for a five day stint in hospital. Just need to moan about
the food on my pre-op assessment and make sure they sort it out
properly this time.
I know this time next
week I'll be much better rested and all the side effects will have
gone. I can start enjoying the rest of the summer with one hurdle out
of the way. I made it through chemotherapy, losing my hair, some
pain, a little nausea, half a stone weight gain, taste change,
heartburn (my fault for forgetting to take my pills for a few days),
insomnia, tiredness, a 7 week cough I can't quite shift due to my low
immune system, daily injections (9 more to go!!) a PICC line in my
arm (I didn't even notice the bandage any more after the first few
weeks. People would stop me in the street and ask what I'd done. I'd
always be quite surprised and found it hard to know what to say to
strangers. I decided on a brief sentence explaining 'its a tube going
into my arm which they put my chemotherapy drugs into'. Well if they
were going to ask...!) and a couple of extra stays in hospital to
finish off... mostly not too bad. My visions of constant nausea and
vomiting and sleeping all the time were groundless. You can have a
life on chemotherapy. Its hard because yes you are tired if you are
on strong drugs, but there is still plenty of fun to be had with
friends and going out a bit and children and lots of cuddles from
them and notes to say I love you <3 …
 |
| My little cherubs xxx |
